Hello Hello

Door Closed, Window Opened

2011-06-16T21:56:00.000-07:00

The truth is, I have been slowly losing the steam that it takes to run this blog. I can't decide if I'm going to start posting here again or not.

However. I have teamed up with my ultra-hilarious friend Leslie and we've been writing together. It's something we've wanted to do for a long time. And I have a whole fresh batch of ideas, stories I would normally text her throughout the day. It's been really fun (for us and our one fan, Leslie's sister Sarah) so far. And if you didn't know? Leslie's insanely witty. You'll enjoy her, I promise. We may take on pseudonyms later, but for now, this is us.

Check out the new pen-pal blog here: http://talesofsuperplus.blogspot.com/

Where Sally Sleeps

2011-04-20T17:12:00.000-07:00

6 months ago, we were prepping the baby's room, certain we'd finish before she was born. 5 1/2 months ago, the girl surprised us by coming early. And thus all of our plans flew out the nursery window. We put a bassinet in our own bedroom and pretty much called it quits.

And then. We got used to having a babe in the house, and we started our house projects back up. First Jacob built the changing table. I wish I had a "before" picture. I bought this table from a store on Mill. They used to use it as a display table, but when I found it, it was only half a table. As in, only two legs. It was painted black, with mint green showing underneath, and there was a strip of masking tape that said "$10, Cash Only." And I knew it was mine. I made Jacob and his brother carry it, in pieces, for blocks and blocks. Jacob sawed it and stripped it and painted it. We thought about putting it in our entryway. But it ultimately ended up here, in the girl's room. And I only have one word for it: sexy.

After the table, we customized the crib. It started out like this, typical jail cell fare:So we took the sides off, and replaced them with solid wood. Girl's been sleeping in her unfinished crib for months now. But we found the time to paint it, and reassembled it last night. I love it. Even without the adorable yoga-practicing babe inside, I think it looks amazing. Tell me you agree, so I can pass those compliments on to Jacob. He deserves them.

Caramelpalooza Fail

2011-03-12T09:40:00.000-08:00

I had big plans. Jacob and Elise and I were going to attend Caramelpalooza. I've been dreaming of this event for weeks. Free caramel, at a candy competition? Yes! Taking place at a candy store that I've been dying to go to for years? Yes! That Jacob's bakery is competing in? Yes!

Plenty of photo ops? Yes! So that I can blog about it and prove to Leslie that I'm having as much fun in Arizona, as she is in New York? Yes! So that she will want to move back? Yes!

True, it was all very scheme-y of me. And I guess that's why it backfired. I got sick on Caramelpalooza Day. I had an upset stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up in the afternoon, but I never did. So I had a snack, felt better, and we were on our way. We even drove through Arby's on our way there, and I felt well enough to have a sandwich.

And then we arrived. We got out of the car, packed Ells up in her stroller, and headed to Caramelpalooza. And I got dizzy. And wobbly. And I thought I was going to die. Jacob asked if I wanted to sit down, and pointed out the one and only available chair in the whole place. He and Ells held our place in line, while I sat down next to the cheerful planter of bright yellow and white flowers.

Which I proceeded to puke on. 4 times. Jacob called me: "I'm at the front of the line, come meet me." I answered: "Gah. Death. Can't move. Never eat again. Bring me some candy!"

And thus ended Caramelpalooza. So, instead of cute family shots by the twinkling lights, faces shining with the glow of sweet caramel sugar, you get this picture of me. Eating crackers in bed. So Leslie, don't you want to move back now?

Hey Pals, Do Me a Favor?

2011-03-09T15:10:00.000-08:00

If you know me, you probably know Gail. She's my little sister. She's one of my best friends. She's a super mom. And she's hoping to adopt again.

Gail doesn't ask for favors. In fact, I'm hoping that my posting about this does not feel to intrusive to Gail. But from everything I've studied and experienced about adoption, I've concluded that there's no such thing as too much advertising. So in that vein, I wanted to share this. Gail's created a blog button that links to her adoption site. I've added it to my sidebar. If you'd like to add it to yours, here's the code:




<a href="https://www.itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/22291470/ourMessage.jsf" target="_blank"></a>

Do it for me. Or do it for Gail's family. Or do it for my dad. Because doesn't it look like he could use a few more grandkids?

Just Sharing the Love!

2011-02-14T17:04:00.000-08:00

Christmas, In 2 Pictures

2011-01-06T15:30:00.000-08:00

Soup du Jour: Worst Errand Runner Ever

2010-12-21T20:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday. Worst errand trip ever. Seriously. I left the house with intentions to do the following: fill a prescription, buy Powerball tickets, buy formula, and drop off 3 pieces of mail. Sounds easy, right? Yeah. Should have been. But instead, it went like this.

Safeway. They were out of Elsie's formula. Got in the customer service line for lottery tickets, but it was moving too slow so I left. In the parking lot, a homeless guy approached me for money. Thought I was giving him $1, but handed over a $5 instead. Oh well, it's Christmas, right? But in total I wasted 15 minutes.
WalMart. (Which I super hate, but it's sometimes a necessary evil.) Went to the baby section, and they also were out of El's formula. And as I was driving away, I remembered I was supposed to fill my prescription there, but seeing as how I left the paperwork at home, it was too late. 10 minutes.
Home. To pick up the prescription, and remembered I had a check to cash at the bank. Grabbed those things. 5 minutes.
Bank. To cash the check. They wouldn't let me cash it since it was from a different bank, so I had to deposit it instead. Fine, whatever. 10 minutes.
Walgreens. Tried to fill my prescription, but they don't have the generic version there, and it was $30 more than at WalMart. No thanks. 20 minutes.
Post office. Got there and realized one piece, the most important one, didn't have a stamp on it. Our office does not have a stamp vending machine, and I was NOT going to stand in line, Christmas week, to by 44 cents worth of postage. So mailed 2/3 of my stuff and drove back home. 15 minutes.
Home. Grabbed exactly one stamp. 2 minutes.
QuickTrip. Halfway to the post office, I remembered I still needed the lottery tickets so I stopped at QT to get them. Grabbed a maple donut. In the parking lot, a homeless guy approached me for money. Well I gave all my money to the last guy, so the QT guy just yelled at me and told me to be more responsible. 5 minutes.
Post office. Mailed the last piece of mail. 15 minutes.
Home. Without the baby formula or prescription. Cried a little bit. 5-ish messy minutes.

Now, this is the part of the post where I would normally say something cute and clever and leave leave my reader to smile over it. But nothing's coming to me, so instead I'm just gonna post a picture of the chicklet. Who, incidentally, slept through the whole 2 hour ordeal, and didn't even cry when we got home.

2010-12-17T13:21:00.000-08:00

The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have it. Right? So here goes. I have a problem. Over-nicknaming people. Everyone in my household has about a billion nicknames. Just ask Wiggins (Edward), Minx (Iris), and Cuppy (Jacob.)

I've only known Elise for about seven weeks now, but I already have a whole bunch of names for her. They include, but are not limited to, the following:

Sally. I think I call her this because Sally is such an all-American, girlie name. And my Sally is such a girl! Derivatives include Sweet Sally, Salty Sal, Slippery Sal, Sal Pal, Sally May, etc.
Elsie. I started calling her this before she was born, never expecting it to stick. But is has. And has grown to include branch-offs Else, Ells, Elsers, and Elsie Bells.
Weenie. This refers to her being teeny-weeny. Ween, Weens. This can also be used as an adjective. "What's the matter with The Weens? Oh, she's just being really weenie today."

If my chicklet grows up with an identity crisis, she can go ahead and blame me. I'm sure her therapist will have a heyday with it.

Due Date

2010-11-29T17:41:00.000-08:00

Today is my babe's due date. All along, I'd been hoping she'd be early. You know, like by a few days. As a nice mini-surprise.

Well... She complied. She was early. And not in the mini-surprise kind of way. Elise was born a whopping 4 weeks, 2 days early! Instead of arriving after Thanksgiving, the babe showed up on Halloween. She was the mini-est surprise ever, weighing in at a tiny 4 lbs, 8 oz, and measuring at 18.25 inches.

And yes it's true that good things come in small packages. Elise is a sweet little baby. Jacob's a great dad. And this Thanksgiving, we celebrated the health and general cuteness of our little bundle!

Babe Shower

2010-10-24T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to spend a ton of time re-capping my baby shower. You've been to one before, right? So you know what they're like. But I do have a few things to say. In the weeks leading up to the shower, I was insanely nervous. Weird. I don't think I have social anxiety; I know I have friends who would come and support me. But I remember feeling the same way before my wedding reception. What if no one showed up? What if I couldn't remember people's names? What if I unintentionally ignored someone and hurt their feelings?

Well, I shouldn't have worried. I have two wonderful families, and I knew they'd be there, at the very least. On top of which, I knew the food and ambiance would be exactly right for me. Because those girls who threw the shower? They love me. And the women who attended? They love me too. And really, isn't that the best gift a girl can have? I think... yes.

Petersons: Gwyn, me, Marianne, Beth, Gail, and my mom

Cronins: Anna, Tiffany, Kristina, me, Amanda

Heather, my incredibly gifted event designer

The guest "book," where everyone signed a thumb-print leaf on the tree

This bunting is going to hang from/above the baby's crib... eventually

My best friend Beth was event photographer.

And me and Jacob, comparing belly sizes. I win.

Books 17-20

2010-10-24T09:05:00.000-07:00

17 - 19: Harry Potter, parts 3-5. Just finished book 5 yesterday. Yes I know these are technically "kid lit," but let me tell you something. The further into the series you get, the bigger the books are. This last one was almost 900 pages. That's as long as Gone with the Wind. Anyway, still enjoying the series. And sometimes I have Harry Potter dreams. Gail, are you done with book 6 yet?

20: High on Arrival, Mackenzie Phillips. I love memoirs, autobiographies. I think people's true stories can be every bit as entertaining as fictitious ones. That being said, this is not a book for the faint of heart. Phillips did not grow up in ideal surroundings. Her dad was a rock star. Her mom was in an abusive marriage. She and her brother had easy access to illegal drugs and started using them as pre-teens. And, oh yeah, she was an incredibly famous child actor. Phillips' life story sucked me right in, and I read it in two days. And you know what? It made me extremely grateful for the very normal childhood I led.

So... I have 5 more weeks to hit my original goal of reading 22 books before I have my baby. Unless she comes super-duper early, I've got it in the bag.

And the Beat Goes On

2010-09-22T10:12:00.000-07:00

Things have been... quiet. No, that's not the right word. Things have been stressful and busy and very messy. I'm laying in bed right now. One cat is under the covers, with me, and he's crying because the other cat is jumping on him from up top. I know my legs are going to get scratched to pieces. I should not be calling this "quiet."

But it feels like the calm before the storm. In 10 weeks, more or less, my life is going to explode. With a baby-sized bang. We still have SO much left to do before she gets here. I'm trying to find the courage to deal with it all. It's hard. I'm channeling Cher. Wondering what would be different "if I could turn back time." I bet if I would be less scared if I was younger. More idealistic, less cynical.

But I guess the thing to do is, get out of bed. Face today. Then tomorrow. I can do that about 68 more times. Right? It's the Cher thing to do.

12-16

2010-09-22T10:10:00.001-07:00

12. Harry Potter and the Something Something, J.K. Rowling. I don't remember the title. I'm sure it doesn't matter. My brother told me once that all of the Harry Potter books are exactly the same. Harry starts a fresh school year. There's trouble in the castle. Mystery surrounds the new teacher. Harry solves the puzzle and saves the school. Pretty good synopsis, right? Still, I plan to read them all. I'm no quitter.

13. The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood. Atwood is about my favorite contemporary novelist. Her books are a challenge to read. Not because the language is difficult. It's her theories and concepts that make my mind spin. This book is one of her least delicate. I've read it a couple times before, and guess what? I found something new. There's a chapter in the back called something like "Historical References" which I have apparently ignored before. I looked at it this time, and it was a continuation of the story. A post script. I can't believe I'd missed it before! (Yes, I can. I never read the author's notes, references, etc. Maybe I should.)

14-16. Emily of New Moon series, L.M. Montgomery. Yep, another series by the author of Anne of Green Gables. I thought these stories were going to be similar at first. Poor little orphan goes to live with her elderly spinster aunt whom she's never met. But there's so much more to Emily's story! I was literally biting my fingernails throughout the last book. I was so nervous for the characters; they were all about to make huge life mistakes! Happily, all's well that ends well. Emily ended well.

Rain On Your Wedding Day

2010-09-09T19:24:00.000-07:00

If you were a teenager in the '90s, you know that Alanis Morrisette defined irony as:

A traffic jam, when you're already late
A "no smoking" sign, on your cigarette break
It's like 10,000 spoons, when all you need is a knife
It's like meeting the man of your dreams. And then meeting his beautiful wife.

Well, Alanis. Try this on for size:

It's like finding out you have gestational diabetes, and then coming home to find this little chocolate-covered strawberry prize in the fridge.

Life has a funny way, of sneaking up on you-u-u, Yeah, life has a funny way, of helping you out...

Last Week I Read:

2010-08-31T16:32:00.000-07:00

10. Agnes Grey, Anne Bronte. Originally published in 1847. Here's what really gets me. Those Bronte sisters grew up almost entirely in seclusion. They had each other, but very little experience with the outer world. So where did all these insane romantic novels come from? Though, to be fair, Agnes is one of the least romantic heroines. I like her. She's very sensible. Kinda like Elinor in Sense and Sensibility.

11. Harry Potter & The Sorcerer's Stone, J.K. Rowling. Other than my sister, who loaned me the book (hi, Gail!) I must be the last person on the planet to read this book. Anyway, I was recently talking to my cousin and he told me he went to optometry school with Stephanie "Twilight" Meyer's brother. Because she's so ridiculously wealthy, and has hired him to work for her, he doesn't even have to go into the field he went to school for 7 years for. I can't stop thinking about this. I guess, if I was going to have an insanely rich and famous teen novelist sister, I'd pick J.K. Rowling. 'Cuz of that charming British accent.

And those Bronte sisters would make fantastic, eccentric old great-aunts.

Underprepared and Underwhelmed

2010-08-18T17:34:00.000-07:00

Hi. My name is Crystal, and I'm a slacker.

A few weeks ago, while I should have been paying attention in church, I made a list of stuff I have to do before our baby comes. This did not include cutesy fun things I want to do before she's born. And still, the list was about a million miles long. I showed it to Jacob. I tried to make him participate in my list-o-mania, but he said I'd already covered everything he could think of. At which point I got horribly offended, accused him of not loving our baby and not wanting to participate in her life, and I turned my back on him. Jacob countered with, "You're overreacting. Just put the list away for now." And I did.

So here it is, 3 weeks later, and I have given my list zero thought. There's a pile of disassembled baby furniture in the living room. We should be clearing all the clutter out of her bedroom this weekend. And... that's about it. I have not started putting together her custom crib. Nor have I started making the bedding that I just had to sew myself. Haven't painted her bedroom. Haven't looked at our post-baby budget. Haven't lined up a pediatrician.

The good news is, in all that doing-nothingness, I found plenty of time to experiment with ruffling and fabric paint. Both frustrating ventures, but here are the fruits of my (pre-labor) labors.

Cotton Candy Fluff

2010-08-18T16:20:00.000-07:00

P.S. I also found time in the past few weeks to read 6 books. Remember when I said literature is candy? Well, these books are definitely of the cotton candy variety. All by Sophie Kinsella. I bought #4 one for light reading in Palm Springs, and it put me in the mood to read #9. And, being the thoroughly OCD girl I am, I had to read #5 -#8 before I could get to #9. You could pretty much call this list "Crystal's Greatest/Only Accomplishment, August 2010."

4. Twenties Girl. Why can't we all be flappers? Serious. I would look killer in a fringe dress and cloche. I already have an undying love for fishnet hose.

5. Confessions of a Shopaholic. Way cuter than the movie.
6. Shopaholic Takes Manhattan
7. Shopaholic Ties the Knot
8. Shopaholic and Sister
9. Shopaholic and Baby

I promise I will read something more substantial, next time around.

The Thing About Palm Springs Is...

2010-08-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

It's hot there. I mean, really hot. As hot as Phoenix, during the day. We were hoping to spend our days outdoors (which is impossible at home, in July.) We didn't get to. Which is why we were so grateful for our hotel room. Soft bed with cool, crisp sheets. Giant, airy bathroom and cool tiled floors throughout. Air conditioning that we turned down to 68. See that beautiful fireplace? We didn't use it. See our private patio? We didn't use it either.But the other thing about Palm Springs is, it cools down at night. Unlike Phoenix. Once the sun went down, Jacob and I were ready to be outside. We spent both evenings at the pool, when everyone else was out at the discotheques, and we had the whole thing to ourselves. Plus, it's still cool enough in the morning to go out and see the sights.Everything in Palm Springs is considered "boutique." Which translates to small, fancy, and expensive. Our boutique hotel only had about 30 rooms. The boutique hotel restaurant only had about 8 tables. The boutique home furnishings store was small, but oh, the chairs were straight from heaven.
The best place we visited was Hamburger Mary's. Jacob kept calling it Queen Mary's. 'Cuz it was pretty, um, queenish. The waiters (not waitresses) were all dressed in navy blue tank tops and turquoise hot pants. The service was crap, we couldn't understand our Italian stallion-of-a-waiter's accent, my Nutella french toast was missing the Nutella, and they brought us a can of whipped cream, just in case. If we're ever in Palm Springs again, Hamburger Mary's will be our first stop.

Book Report

2010-07-21T12:28:00.000-07:00

Laurie & Me, circa 2007

3. I Love Everybody (and Other Atrocious Lies), Laurie Notaro. Laurie (yes, we're on a first name basis) is just about my favorite modern memoirist, and gets bonus points for being from Phoenix. I laughed so hard I accidentally dropped my copy in the bathtub. Twice.

2. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens. Jacob asked me about Oliver the other night and all I could say was, "So good!" Then he asked me how many times I'd previously read it, and I surprised him with "Zero." I don't know why I'd never read it before. I should have. Cherubic Dickensian orphans are right up my alley. Plus I love Great Expectations. Don't you?

1. Emma, Jane Austen. I know, talk about cliche chick-lit. But what can I say? Love. On top of which, I was about 12 pages into Emma when I decided to start tracking what I read, so I couldn't just shelf her and pretend like it wasn't happening, for the sake of not looking run-of-the-mill. So there you go.

The Difference Between Boys and Girls: Part 2

2010-07-12T13:16:00.001-07:00

How Iris sleeps:

How Eddie sleeps:

And just for fun, a bonus picture of Ed.
In a skirt.

Literature is Candy

2010-07-02T11:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't been that into blogging lately. I blame facebook. Facebook is fast, and easy, and I have 520 friends there. As opposed to 9 followers here. When I want my pals to know that I'm having a girl type baby (just as I suspected), I get so many more congratulations on facebook!

The truth is, I've actually written several posts lately, but they didn't feel up to par. There's one story about how I spilled my Icee all over my dress at Target, while shopping the little kids' aisle. (Poetic justice, right?) And one about ...something... can't remember now. Anyway.

So, I was blog-hopping today and I saw some girl's goal to read 52 books in 52 weeks. And she was recording it all on her blog. I thought, "I bet I read that much without even trying!" But maybe not? I don't know, I've never kept real track. But here's the thing. Novels are like candy to me. I eat them up. If I like something, I'll read it over and over. And a new book? Is more like crack. Can not take my hands off. Love.

Whenever someone tells me I'm a gifted writer (and not to be horn-tooty, but it does happen occasionally), I think, "But I'm not a writer. I'm a reader." The best job in existence, and I know because I've held it, is proofreader/editor. Reading all day long and getting paid for it- now that's for me. But my fantasy career would definitely be novelist. Exotic, right? Brings to mind living in Paris or Madrid, watching bull fights and dining al fresco. (Confession: I read The Sun Also Rises last week and my thoughts are heavily influenced by Hemingway today.)

The moral of this post is, my new goal is to record the books I read each week. I know it will get really hard to find the time to read when I have a newborn babe, but I have about 22 weeks of pregnancy left, and I think I can read 22 books between now and then. It'll be a good exercise in writing. It'll make me post on my blog. And my 9 whole followers will get an extra-special glimpse into my life, as well as some book recommendations. Fun for everyone, right?

P.S. The thought of writing a book, only to have it rejected by publishers, breaks my heart. That's about all that's holding me back. Anyone know any super-secret shortcuts to getting published?

P.P.S. You know what's like candy, to Jacob? The answer: candy.

The Verdict Is In...

2010-07-01T10:39:00.000-07:00

Thank You, AC Slater

2010-05-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

Jacob and I are contest-entering people. We love radio call-ins and blog giveaways. I think the smallest thing I've won is a hand-painted trivet from an Etsy shop. (Which, by the way, I won over two months ago and still haven't received...) But the best thing I've ever won was $600. I was caller #10 and repeated the phrase, "The new zone 101.5 plays today's best music," six times. Won $100 per complete phrase.

Jacob has even better luck than I do. He's won CDs and concert tickets. He once won a trip to Branson, Missouri. Since we are contest people, I didn't think twice when Jacob entered a drawing for a two-day hotel stay (including meals and travel vouchers) in Palm Springs, CA. Mario Lopez, hosting Extra, told us all about the luxury suites at the Colony Palms Hotel. Looks like an incredible place to stay.

And so tonight, we're saying "Thank you, Mario," for telling us about Extra's contest. We only saw about 30 seconds of your show, but it was enough. Because Jacob won. And he couldn't have done it without you.

So, We're Getting One of These:

2010-05-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

... Some time around Thanksgiving. I can't say it was a complete shock, but I found myself surprised nonetheless. In a good way.

Guess I'll have to start bracing myselft now, 'cuz I just know, after all the complaining I do about them, someone's gonna give me one of these:

What We Did in New York

2010-04-28T11:58:00.000-07:00

Sunday

Church in Washington Heights

Mr. Softee Ice Cream

Alice's Tea Cup

Staten Island Ferry

Monday

Central Park

Bassett's Soda Shoppe

Times Square

David Letterman

Carmine's

Tuesday

Zabar's

Shopping on 5th Ave

Gonzales y Gonzales

Top of the Rock

Magnolia Bakery

Toys 'R' Us Ferris Wheel

Wednesday

Statue of Liberty

Ellis Island

Shake Shack

Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum

Thursday

Food Tour of Chinatown

FAO Schwartz

"Arrested Development" on the Johnsons' Couch

Como Pizza & Dating Stories on the Johnsons' Bed

Friday

Brooklyn Bridge

Grimaldi's Pizza

Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory

Jacques Torres Chocolate

The Awesome 80s Prom

Soup du Jour: Rubbish

2010-03-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today I would like to thank whomever rooted through my garbage can while I was at lunch. It must have been hard for you. My garbage can is not in an obvious place, kinda tucked away. And, I don't know how you knew there would be packing materials in my garbage, but I'm sure that used brown butcher paper was preferable to the clean bubble wrap I keep in my drawer. It must have been, if you fished it out of my trash.

Mostly, I want to thank you for scattering remenants of my lunch all over the floor and my chair. The onion and lettuce and chip crumbs were none-too-memorable the first time I threw them away. But it was super-plus fun to pick them up off the floor and deposit them all over again.

Soup du Jour: Cash Change

2010-03-24T17:45:00.000-07:00

I was at Safeway picking up some things for dinner (artichokes, spinach, and Dr Pepper = very fancy) and as I was making my way back to my car, I realized someone was following me. I glanced over my shoulder and saw a woman. A larger, older woman. Pushing a baby, who in my ageist opinion could not possibly be hers, in a stroller.

I sped up my pace. She sped up hers. I glanced back, trying not to make eye contact. She was looking straight into my eyes.

Larger, Older Woman: Excuse me. EXCUSE ME, Miss Thang. Miss Thang!

Crystal: (no words, just a half smile)

L.O.w.: You wouldn't be able to help me out with some cash change?

Crystal: I'm sorry, I don't carry cash.

L.O.W.: Mmmm-hmmmm, thank YOU!

And I ducked into my car and locked myself in. L.O.W. stopped and planted the baby stroller just a smidge in front of my back bumper. I was afraid she'd try to outstay me, but thank heavens I'm stubborn and she moved on before I was forced to run her over.

Wondering if I should have offered her the six pennies in my wallet, I rear-view-mirror-watched L.O.W. stake out and follow her next Miss Thang.

Soup du Jour: Niece & Nephews

2010-03-19T17:31:00.000-07:00

Ever since we bought our house, I have not been able to go home on my lunch break. I miss going to our 6-minutes-from-work apartment and eating food from home and watching "Gilmore Girls" or taking a nap, and sometimes even catching Jacob for 50 minutes.

Entertaining myself away from home is more difficult. But I've found that sometimes my lunch break is my most exciting part of the day. Remember Wrought Iron T-Rex? Found him at lunch. Remember Topless Old Man Jogger? He's from lunch break, too. If we're Facebook friends, you know about the mother/daughter duo from Sonic. And so the idea was born, to dedicate certain posts to my lunch break adventures. Starting today. Not with a funny post, just a nice one. Because I wholeheartedly love my sisters and their kids.

Today I went to lunch with The Sisters. It's Gail's birthday on Sunday, so we celebrated her 28th year. 28 is a year I wish I could have frozen in time. It's a good age, ripe, but not over-done. When people ask, I tell them I'm 28. Soon my little sister will surpass me in age.

Marianne was there, too. So we had a party of three adults and three kids. I sat between Beth (Marianne's) and Josh (Gail's.) I fed Bethany hummus and Greek olives, and Josh tomatoes and cucumbers. Adam showed me his new bracelet, his very own creation, a one-of-a-kind in blues and blacks and pearly glass beads. That kid's a champ.

Top 3 things that happened at lunch:
3. We got to sit on the patio at Pita Jungle. Definitely the best spot in the house. And there was a duck, a great big orange-footed duck, who spent most of his time near our table.
2. Josh has learned to give kisses. What's cuter than a one-year-old kissing your cheek? A one-year-old kissing the palm of your hand! Favorite new party trick. We played this game at least 20 times.
1. Less than 10 minutes after being seated, Baby Josh pulled off a miracle shot and dumped Gail's Sierra Mist all over himself, Gail, me, and two purses. We all survived, and the girls at the next table over were still talking about what a cute baby he is. Being cute- it runs in our blood.

Free Mascara!

2010-03-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

http://f.chtah.com/i/2/95827765/030910_SiJCP_Email_store_coupon.jpg

And The Winner Is......

2010-02-13T12:48:00.000-08:00

This week at work I made a total of 4124 cupcakes. The flavors I made were chocolate, white and red velvet. That's probably more cupcakes than I've made in the past year combined.

Diego - Congratulations!!! You have won! Are you some sort of wizard? Magician? Accountant? Your guess of 1944 was only 2 away from the correct answer of 1946! I will contact you about the details of the delivery.

Rhett and Leslie - I'm sorry to tell you that you have been disqualified from the running because of your late entries. Your consolation prize for having the most late entries is a visit from Crystal and me in April to your lovely home in New York.

Thanks everyone for playing!
Happy Valentines Day from The Bungalow at Sunset Manor!

Cupcakes Anyone?

2010-02-09T21:00:00.000-08:00

It's pretty busy at work these days with Valentines Day coming up. We have had a few big orders for cupcakes, so yesterday I made a few white cupcakes.

So just for fun, if anyone can guess how many cupcakes I made (yes, the ones in the picture) I'll make a dozen cupcakes just for you.

Whoever comes the closest to the magic number will take the sweet prize!
1) One guess per person
2) You have until midnight Friday night, Feb. 12 to get your guess in
3) I'll announce the winner on Saturday and I'll contact you to arrange the sugar exchange

Good luck!

Growwwwl

2010-02-04T15:26:00.000-08:00

Went to Hobby Lobby on my lunch break. And thank heavens I did, because where else could I find a wrought iron tyrannosaurus Rex?

P.S. Leslie, do they have Hobby Lobby in Manhattan? We are SO going there!

For the Record Books

2010-01-13T15:40:00.000-08:00

I've had a billion roommates. No, not a billion, but a lot. Here's the thing. I think you learn a lot about dealing with people, just by living with them. Even the girls I didn't love so much, I'm sure I learned from. Consequentially, I am an incredible wife. Because I have learned the tricks to sharing a living space with someone. So Jacob, you can thank the following 42 girls for making me such a pleasure to live with:

*Evil Cowboy Katie * Natalie (twice!) * Renny * Marianne (who is my sister but also my former college roommate) * Bulimic Jessica * Dirty Sara * Foreign Country Patricia * Marie who Always Used my Blow Dryer * Ren's Cousin Kim #1 * Dear Mary * Travis's Girlfriend Jen * Jamie Sue * DeAnn (who is my cousin but we didn't know it when we moved in together) * Carrah * Kym #2 * Angelina * Randee * The First Michelle Who Didn't Really Count * Courtney C * Kimi #3 * Lanny * Emily * Shalene * Lindsey * That Other Jamie #2 * Shout-Out to Michelle, Who Stuck With Me the Longest * Mindy! * Stripper Brianna * Tammy and her Stupid Flute * Mary * Chelsie * Terrie * SPBFF Leslie * Kristen * Stacy on Meth * Erika * Wynn * Little Alisha * Amber * Heidi * The Temp *

Hey Roomies- did I leave anybody out?

"Ugly," or "The Least Awesome Way to Wind Up 2009"

2009-12-30T15:58:00.000-08:00

*Names/naughty words have been changed/deleted to protect the innocent.*
**It should also be noted that I used, almost word for word, the email I sent to Jacob and Leslie this afternoon to tell them about my insane-o morning. You two don't have to re-read. **

So big dude comes walking into my office. Very tall, big face (kinda like Gaston from “Beauty & the Beast”), dark hair, purple button shirt, tight dark jeans, expensive shoes. We'll call him Guido. Guido walks up to my desk.

Crystal: Hi, how can I help you?
Guido: Hey, can I ask you a stupid question?
Crystal (Thinking, "I hate this opening pitch. I hear it all the time. Come up with something new, please."): Mmm, what is it?
Guido: Do you like to get your hair done at a salon?
Crystal: I'm sorry. We can't have solicitors here. You'll have to leave.
Guido: Excuse me, what?
Crystal: You'll have to leave, thanks.
Guido: Well you're rude, aren't you.
Crystal: (totally insulted but just smiles)
Guido: (walking away, mumbling something I can't understand) Happy holidays (sarcastically.)

Then just as he was getting to the door, not exactly out loud but loud enough that I could hear, Guido says, "Rude. Ugly too."

What what what? My jaw dropped open and I was trying to decide whether or not to cry. And right at that moment, this lady Rhonda came around the corner. (Rhonda's friends with Julie, my boss.) So Rhonda was like, "Are you okay?" Me, "That guy just called me ugly." And I recapped the whole thing for her. So Rhonda goes, "Which way did he go?" And I pointed. And she was out the door, after him! I went to the door to see if I could see what happened, but I didn't see either of them. But I stood waiting by the door because I knew Rhonda didn't have a key to let herself back in. She came back in a couple minutes later, and I opened the door for her.

Crystal: You didn't talk to him, did you? Did you see him?
Rhonda: Oh yes I did! I cannot believe the way he treated you! Oh **** here he comes!

And Guido's back at our door. Which is locked. He can't get in, so he starts pulling harder on the door. Rhonda and I are just looking at him through the glass. Rhonda says, "Come on, we don't have to look at him." And she takes me by the arm and walks me back towards Julie's office.

Guido rings the buzzer, and Becky gets up to answer the door. Rhonda says, "Don't you let that ******* in!!!! No one answer the door!!!" And we go into Julie's office and shut the door. Julie, "What in the world is going on?" So I gave Julie my part, and then I asked Rhonda what she said to him.

So Rhonda said that she saw him go into the office next door to us, which is a Fulton Homes design studio. He was already talking to the receptionist there when Rhonda came in behind him.

Rhonda: Hi, I'd like one of your brochures.
Guido: (looks Rhonda up and down) No. I don't think so.
Rhonda: Look here, if I have to go to every single office in this complex to find out who you work for, I'll do it. How dare you come into our office and insult one of our employees?! (Rhonda turns to the Fulton Homes receptionist.) This guy came into our office and said some extremely insulting things to our receptionist. Please do not buy into whatever he is selling.
Guido: Look here, *****...
Rhonda: (Talking to Guido again) You want to talk about ugly, ********? You're butt-ugly and cross-eyed and you have an ugly soul and I'm going to have you fired!

That's when Rhonda turned around and came back into our office, and he followed her over. When Rhonda finished telling us all of this, the three of us headed back out towards the front door, and he was gone.

So after all the commotion died down, Julie went over to Fulton Homes and talked to their receptionist and first apologized that Rhonda came in there swearing, but then explained what had happened. Guido had given Fulton a brochure before the fight started, and she still had it, so she gave it to Julie.

Julie came back in and called the salon he was promoting, and talked to the highest-up person she could get. (She asked for the owner but I think it was just the manager she talked to.) The salon was Chris Anthony's. Julie said she told the lady at Chris Anthony everything that had happened, and Chris Anthony apologized and said that Guido doesn't actually work for them, but they've hired an outside promotional team to help with sales, and Guido works for them. Chris Anthony then said they would have this other promo firm call Julie and let her know what they were doing about it. Julie said, "I don't care if they call me or not, but if you don't get this guy out of our business complex immediately, I'm going to call the cops and have them remove him." Because by this time, Guido had come back to our office and tried to get in TWO more times!

Insane. And this is the part where you, my reader, leave me a comment and tell me how pretty I am.

Harry & David: A Gift to You

2009-12-16T12:16:00.000-08:00

At Christmastime, everyone in my office is getting big boxes of treats from Harry & David, Wine Country, Fairytale Brownies, etc. That is- everyone but me gets treats.

At Christmastime, my office has a lot of catered lunches. Unfortunately, some of our favorite places do not deliver. (Pita Jungle, Pei Wei - I'm talking about you!) I am often sent off to pick up lunch, and consequentially often miss the 11:30 UPS delivery. My coworkers are left to sign for and collect packages.

At Christmastime, it is not uncommon for me to return from lunch pick-up to find that someone has borrowed my desk and my scissors to unpack their delicious packages. And left the cardboard and styrofoam remains for me to clean up.

But don't worry about me. I know who the culprits are. And I can't wait to help myself to their English toffee and chocolate Bing cherries. And I will use their scissors. At their desks. They're bound to turn their backs sooner or later, right?

O Tannenbaum

2009-12-05T20:18:00.000-08:00

So, guess who finally got the pink Christmas tree of her dreams?

Fridays at 4:00

2009-11-13T16:51:00.000-08:00

I don't know how or why, I don't remember when, but somewhere and sometime in last 5 years, it became part of my job description to clean out the fridge at work. It's absolutely disgusting and by far my least favorite part of my job. But since it's otherwise a really great place to work, I usually just suck up my pride and do it. But this time I thought, wouldn't it be fun to take pictures of things I find? Sort of like a treasure hunt for the digital age? So voila, here's an insight to "Crystal's Every Friday Afternoon at 4:00."

Here's what the fridge looks like on Friday afternoons, before I clean it. Mind you, this is after I send out multiple emails reminding people to come save anything they don't want me to throw out.I find the usual miscellaneous Tupperware filled with lunches intended to be eaten, but the owners never got around to it. Today I found a compartmentalized one with fruits of the forest, a shrimp sandwich, and one lone chicken strip.An orphaned soda pop or two. And we have some fine eateries represented.All the ingredients for a fine sandwich: bratwurst (I actually found two of these), plenty of salami, and item #3 which is either a boiled egg or a mozzarella ball.In the freezer section this week, I found a skillet meal for two, which only takes 10 minutes to prepare on the stove top. (Mind you, we do not have a stove top.) A big bag of Ikea meatballs. And what I think are two varieties of soup.And my personal favorites of the week: black mold-encrusted crudites and a baggie of "herbs."

Office Supplies

2009-10-11T20:04:00.001-07:00

Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica!
Big tuna sandwiches, hot dog fingers
"Colored greens" salad, Pretzel Day pretzels

Up by popular demand, pictures of my Funko Bunko: The Office Edition party! I am an active member of the Bunko community and let me tell you, my leage is intense. Every party has a themed dinner and dress-up contest. OK, so it's not really a contest. But that doesn't mean we aren't killercompetitive to see who has the best costume every month.

Burned-foot Michael and Fun Run for Rabies Angela

September was my month to host, and I invited all of the folks from the Dunder-Mifflin, Scranton branch. Michael, Andy, Angela, Phyllis, Dwight (straight from the dojo), Make-over Day Karen, and others attended.

Michael Scott: "I'm friends with everybody in this office. We're all best friends. I love everybody here. But sometimes your best friends start coming into work late and start having dentist appointments that aren't dentist appointments, and that is when it's nice to let them know that you could beat them up."

The Best Place to Live in the USA. MSN Said So.

2009-10-07T09:14:00.001-07:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/5023308

Just a little story about how my home town

is better than your home town.

Unless you happen to be from my home town.

In which case, we are equal.

We Danced, On The Floor, In The Round

2009-09-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve never loved it. I usually don’t even like it. But last Saturday night, GameWorks was awesome. Now, I’m going to give credit to Rheslie for this revelation. Jacob and I have been accustomed to taking them with us whenever we go to video game/restaurant venues. That way Jacob and Rhett could play gun-shooting games while Leslie and I walk around eating snacks and being fashion police. But the sad twist of fate that is taking our best friends to New York has given us something back. And that something is the GameWorks karaoke machine.

Without our friends to rely on, we were attracted to different games than usual. Jacob and I first headed to candy dispenser game. We won a few Tootsie Rolls (both chocolate and fruity) and two pieces of salt water taffy. A big price for a small return. No winners there. Then we moved on to Tetris. We both knew I would win. Win and win. Then there were two rounds of Guitar Hero. We were both surprised that I won. Oh, and as long as we’re keeping track of who won what, I need to report that we played those coin pusher games for tickets. Jacob had about 150. I earned 267.

The night got late, and my eyes became fuzzy. And that’s when I discovered the karaoke booth. They’d done some rearranging in GameWorks and they must have pulled this treasure out of some dusty corner because I’d never seen it before. But when I spotted it, I knew it was for us. We locked ourselves in the yellow booth and we sang. Jacob, 1979: The Smashing Pumpkins. Crystal, Billie Jean: Michael Jackson. Score, 96 to 94. I will let you guess who won.
P.S. Did I mention that the karaoke machine’s native language was Japanese? ‘Cuz it was. I knew our friends across the Pacific were crazy with Jackson Fever. But The Smashing Pumpkins? Who knew?

Super Plus: A True Love Story

2009-09-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

It wasn't love at first sight. It was more like jealousy, on my part, and aversion on hers. She thought I was a floozy. I thought she had stolen the heart of the red-headed Conan O'Brien type boy who I wanted to want me. So I'd say it was more like love at third sight.

Leslie came to my house with a friend of a friend. She needed pajamas, needed them desperately. I offered, she accepted. We went into my bedroom and Leslie said, "Let's look at all of your clothes." We opened my closet, and I tried to give Leslie anything she said she liked. She didn't yet know that accepting my offer would be the most flattering compliment she could give me. And I really did mean it - she could have taken that pink palm tree tee from American Eagle. Really.

Later, when Leslie needed a bedroom but not a lease, I had one to offer. We only lived together for a few months before she left me for the wilds of Oklahoma. But I am an exemplary pen pal and I sent her gossipy letters and miniature lawn gnomes. In return, Leslie tried to find me a husband. It didn't work, but I'm not mad.

When Leslie was through with her 18 month hiatus, I lobbied to have her return to me. To my home. I had some tough competition, other girls who wanted Leslie as a roommate as much as I did. Together with my compatriots, I won. I think it was the incredible care package/bribe that gave us the edge. I don't remember all of the contents, but giant underpants were included for sure.

During Leslie's hillbilly detox period, we spent copious amounts of time on the couch doing crafts. Leslie found love, then set about finding me love. It's true, she found me a husband after all. I adopted a kitten. Leslie adopted a kitten. I gave Leslie three life-sized lawn gnomes. Leslie made me the godmother to her credenza, and started a blog dedicated to me.

And then. Leslie asked me if she could/should/would move to New York City. Permission was granted, though conditionally. She must let me put my pen pal skills back into use. She must take her gnomes to the Big Apple. And she must return some day.

2009-09-07T13:32:00.001-07:00

For all you cat lovers out there, this video will help you so your cat loves you more!

Mustache Morning

2009-08-30T11:11:00.000-07:00

Back to School

2009-08-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling a little left out. Almost everyone I know has been posting pictures of their kids, headed back to school after a long summer. So I thought I'd jump on the band wagon and get my back-to-school post up. And a little update on the kids.

Kelly: Starting high school, yikes! Can't believe my oldest is about to start Driver's Ed! We're already shopping for her 2010 Jeep Liberty. I wanted to get something more practical, like an Audi, but Kelly gets what Kelly wants!

Melody: Melody is hitting up 7th grade this year! Middle school is a big deal, but she's always been very popular, and that's all that really matters. Plus she's doing the whole puberty thing, so training bras, here we come!

Sebastian: 3rd grade. I'm a little worried about Sebby this year. He's got some aggression issues. Sebby does know that he gets a time-out for each time he bites someone. But as long as he takes it out on the other students, as opposed to the teacher (sorry again for last year, Mrs. Green!) then I think we're good.

Lilly: Lilly's in love. With Bratz Dolls. I'm glad she's finally got some good role models. Not like that trashy Barbie chick she was into last year. Plus she's got the best conversational skills I've ever heard in a 1st grader. You should hear the way she spits out "You WISSSSHHH!" and "No WAYYYYY!"

Happy back-to-schooling, everyone!

2009-07-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

So for breakfast this morning, I had a banana and a key lime yogurt. It was so awesome! Delicious, guilt-free way to start the day. I had never tried key lime Yoplait before, and I was surprised at how pretty it was, and how awesome it smelled.

Now, I have a pretty non-existent sense of smell. I usually can't smell something unless it's right under my nose. So how come, three hours after breakfast, I could still smell lime yogurt? Did I spill some on my desk? Looked around and nope, not that. Is it coming from my trash can? Nope, I always throw my food trash in the kitchen, as opposed to at my desk. Maybe I spilled some on my shirt? I do that a lot. Spill food on myself. But against all odds, it wasn't that either.

About 20 minutes ago, I had a scent epiphany. I was not, in fact, smelling my lime yogurt from 8 hours ago. I was actually smelling the lotion I put on 20 minutes after I ate! They just happen to smell exactly the same. So now my question is this. Does key lime Yoplait smell like evening primrose, or, does Victoria's Secret 'My Desire' smell like the Florida Keys?

2009-07-16T20:10:00.000-07:00

So I see this guy walking down my street almost every day. He's old. He's big-bellied. He's seriously tan. He wears gym shorts and tube socks and hi-tops. In his hand he carries his shirt and an empty Circle K cup.

I'm dying of curiosity to know where he goes, but am too chicken to pull over my car and ask him. (Only brave enough to pull over and take a picture with my phone.) So please, friends and readers, help me speculate.

Jacob's Little One

2009-06-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

When Jacob first met me, he thought I was Mr. Serious. Up until our first date, when he realized his first impression was very, very wrong.

Yesterday we were hanging out in the church library. Jacob and I were asked to man the counters every Sunday and some Wednesdays. This is the easiest church job I have ever had, and Jacob and I love being in there together. Most of the time, people just come in to borrow pictures/visual aids, get chalk and erasers, or make copies. Most of the time, Jacob and I just hang out behind the counter, waiting for customers.

So yesterday I was feeling a little silly. And a little tired. And I decided I'd let Jacob help the next customer on his own. Of course, we didn't actually have any customers, so no big deal. I ducked behind the counter for 5 seconds. But just as I was about to stand back up, I heard someone come in! A lady! So I had a decision to make: stand up and act like nothing happened, or stay in squatty position. I stayed squatty.

Geez, that lady took forever, making her copies! Lady asked Jacob how many copies he thought she'd need. Jacob gave his professional opinion. Oh, and Lady thought she'd return something her sister borrowed earlier. Jacob said thanks. Then I heard this...

Lady: So, do you have a little one back behind the counter?
Jacob: (pause) No.
Lady: Oh... I thought there was someone back there. Never mind.
Jacob: (pause) That's okay.

Did she see the top of my head? Hear movement? I don't know. And Jacob answered NO! He should have just said yes so this Lady could think I was a little kid instead of a full-grown adult playing hide-and-seek.

You'd better believe I stood up and behaved myself, just as soon as Lady was out the door. And thank goodness I did, because a minute later a dude came in to use our paper cutter. The paper cutter that is kept at the back wall, right where I was hiding. And getting caught hiding back there by Dude- that would have been even more embarrassing that almost getting caught by Lady.

2009-06-25T15:51:00.001-07:00

2009-06-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

If these pictures don't say true love, I don't know what does!

Arranged Marriage

2009-05-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

I've really been resisting blogging for the past week and a half. Because I don't want you to judge me. I don't want to be labelled one of "those people."

You know. Cat people.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, Jacob and I have adopted another cat. We planned to bring Eddie into our family, but this latest addition came quite on accident.

Two weeks ago Jacob went to the pet store to buy some cat food, and as tradition dictates, he walked down the aisle of cats up for adoption. When I got home, he told me he saw the girl version of Eddie. Except smaller. He talked about her all weekend long. How she looked just like Ed and would be the perfect wife for him. We even gave her a name - Miss Kitty. And a few days later, we went back to the store to visit her.

Now, I really wasn't ready for another cat. Eddie has so much personality on his own that I thought he was enough for me. But, when we went to the store and saw Miss Kitty, my heart got all soft and smooshy. She had been someone's pet, but they moved away and left her behind. She had just had a litter of 5 kittens, even though she's kitten-sized herself. When I picked her up, she was all backbone and rib cage. Poor little lady! But like I said, I didn't want another cat, and Jacob and I went home empty-handed.

And then went back the next day and adopted her. I just couldn't stand the thought that she didn't have a home and that she would be put to sleep if no one adopted her. And so Miss Kitty became part of the family. She's been officially named Iris and she's the sweetest little kitten on the planet.

This has not been an easy week, since we brought her home. Poor Ed is flipping out. He's been an only child for a year now, and he's not in love with the idea of sharing his food and toys with someone else. We kept Iris under lockdown (for her own protection!) for the first few days but we're gradually letting them spend some time together. Ed likes to run and jump at Iris and try to get a reaction out of her. Most of the time she stares him down and doesn't move a muscle. If she does react, it's to stand up and turn her back to him. But I have faith that things will work out between the two of them.

So there you go. Jacob and I are cat people.

(Ed is on the near side, Iris is on the far side. Can you see her behind the gate?)

Spectacle

2009-05-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

So, my sunglasses broke last week. Thank goodness they lasted me through Mexico, but they broke two days after my return. The frames cracked and the right lens popped out. Non fixable. Well, probably fixable, but I'm too classy to glue my glasses back together. So, time to buy a new pair.

Am I the only person who has problems with sunglasses? I always have such a hard time picking out a pair that fits my face. Big lenses make me look buggy. Anything too trendy and I feel 12 years old. Don't like orange tint. The cutest pair I ever owned were so uncomfortable that I had to stop wearing them. I felt like they were squeezing my brains out.

I went to Target to buy a new pair. It took me 30 minutes to try on every pair that I thought might work. Three other lucky women came, found a winning pair, and left, before I had found something decent. I finally got frustrated and decided to just buy the first pair I didn't hate. With little thought, I threw a pair in the cart, finished shopping, checked out, and left the store.

Sitting in my car, looking through my bag, I realized that I did not have my new sunglasses. I thought back to the items I checked out with: bathroom cleaner, chap stick, thank you card... No sunglasses. I realized I didn't pay for them, and they were still in the cart, in the store. I almost, almost gave up and drove away. Then I looked at my stupid, sad, lens-less sunglasses and decided that I simply could not drive away without a new pair.

Went back into Target and bought my new pair. I knew they were not extra cute. Just passing as not ugly. I put my new shades on and realized, irony of ironies, they were identical to my old pair. And now I realize I had almost-ugly sunglasses all along.

With any luck, this pair will break soon too. And I can start the whole painful process all over again.

#1 On My Current Reading List

2009-04-29T14:32:00.001-07:00

What are you reading?

I'm a Wheel Watcher

2009-04-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

So I ditched out of shopping on Saturday. I love my sisters-in-law and knew that they would forgive me, when they heard why I had to bail out on them. Jacob and I had a long-standing agreement that if the Wheel Mobile ever came to Phoenix, we would be the first in line to try out.

We were not first in line to try out. A few thousand people got there before us. But I went into the tryouts knowing in my heart that if I had enough faith, I would get on stage.

I did not get on stage. Here's how it works. You go in, fill out an entry form and drop it into a rolling drum, and then wait for them to call your name. Fake Pat Sajak pulls a name out of the drum, invites that name up on stage, and with Fake Vanna White's help, the contestants play a lightning-fast round. Getting up on stage has nothing to do with how much enthusiasm you have on the floor, nor how clever your application is. (Trust me, mine was clever. Under hobbies, I listed myself as "amateur cat collector.") It's dumb luck. And even though I brought my life-sized good luck troll doll, in the form of Rhett Johnson, luck was not on my side. Oh well, we still had a great time.

P.S. Note to Fake Vanna: Next time you go on stage, check the mirror for a panty line. I know you think your thong is invisible under your clingy peach dress, but you are wrong.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-07T21:05:00.001-07:00

I'm Not Pregnant

2009-04-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

I'm married. I'm Mormon. I'm 30. And I don't have any kids. I had a recent, brief conversation with Heather about this. I'm sure I'll have kids some day, but in the meantime, here is a list of reasons I'm glad I've never been pregnant.

Crappy Maternity Clothes: Now, I willingly admit that maternity clothes can be pretty decent these days. My pregnant sisters and friends always manage to look great. But from what I've seen, the hot maternity clothes are few and far between. If I'm wrong, tell me where you find the good stuff... so I can be prepared for the future. Thanks.

People Calling You "Mama": Maybe I just notice this one so much because it creeps me out, but I always hear people calling pregnant ladies or mothers of newborns Mama/Mommy. It's my personal belief that you should only call someone Mama/Mommy if (A) she is your actual mother, and (B) you are under the age 6.

Diaper Cakes: These things are not cool. I really don't think they're cute. And they're NOT CAKE! Don't pretend to be cake, if I can't eat you! Best case scenario, they're made with time and love and are an okay centerpiece for the real food table. But worst case, and this is the version I've seen most often, it just looks like a big bundle of diapers and ribbon. On top of which, they are SO over-played. Maybe the trend will be over before I have kids. Let's hope.

Belly Cakes: SOOOO much worse than diaper cakes! I can't imagine that anyone would enjoy eating one of these flesh-colored lady cakes. Especially a real-life pregnant lady with a picky palate. Are we cannibals? No? Then, please do not pass me a heaping slice of stomach.
Winnie the Pooh: I don't think the Pooh Bear is inherently evil. Really. But I don't get why baby gear manufacturers want to put his face on everything from maternity clothes to diaper bags. As parents (and future parents) can't we ban together and Just Say No?

Preggers: I don't care for this term. Or "preggo." Just because someone is having a baby, does not mean she should begin talking like a baby. Or be talked to like she's a baby. Again, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on this one. For all I know, cravings for baby talk just might be like craving pickles and ice cream. Yes?

OK, thanks for listening (uh, reading) as I get those things off my chest. Maybe now that I've complained about the con's, I'll start making a mental list of pro's. I will let you know...

Rich vs. Hot. And I Choose Hot.

2009-03-25T16:36:00.001-07:00

Anne with an 'e' Shirley once asked Matthew Cuthbert if he thought it was better to be enormously smart, angelically good, or ravenously beautiful. Matthew didn't have an answer for Anne, but (if memory serves me,) Anne said she knew she'd never be good or beautiful, so she'd concentrate on being smart.

150 years later, and I've been thinking about a more contemporary version of the same question. Would it be better to be super-hot or super-rich? The answer: Better to be super-hot. Because you can always gain fame and fortune simply for because you're hot. Happens all the time. Look at Heidi Klum. Look at Grace Kelly, who was hot enough to become a bona fide princess!

However, this magical formula does not work in reverse. Being rich cannot make you hot. Sure, money is the gateway to plastic surgery, but even surgery does not ensure beauty. Case in point, Paris Hilton. Tori Spelling. Rich does not = hot.

Oh, and I do feel the need to mention that, in my pondering, I have concluded that rich + hot is not always the best combination. As illustrated by one Tyra Banks. All that fame and money seem to have gone straight to that pretty lady's head.

Over It?

2009-03-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

Over blogging? I might be. Over Facebook? Probably soon. I'm feeling the need to de-digitize my life. I'm so anti-computer right now.

Maybe I should do some online shopping. Would web-based retail therapy help?

Baby J Has Arrived!

2009-03-06T10:33:00.000-08:00

Joshua Diego was born on Wednesday morning at about 6:30 am. Both Josh and the birth mother are healthy. I don't know too many details, except that he has round cheeks and fuzzy black hair.

Gail and Diego are still at the hospital with Joshua. He's being released this afternoon, and Gail and Diego will take him to my parents' house. There are three major steps that have to be taken before they can bring him home to Arizona. First, the birth parents have to see a judge, and Gail and Diego have to see a case worker. These appointments are scheduled for Monday. Second, the state of New Mexico has to process the initial adoption paperwork. Third, Arizona has to do their part of the paperwork so that Joshua can cross the state line. It's going to be at least a week before they can come home.

I talked to Gail this morning. She's already tired of the waiting game, and really wants to come home. But more than that, she's very happy to finally have her baby. She said they've already gotten to know each other really well. I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda scared of babies. But I can't wait to meet this little guy!

Baby J Salgado!

2009-03-02T10:28:00.000-08:00

So, I don't usually blog about personal or important things. (Like to keep it light.) But I am so excited about what's happening this week that I can't keep it to myself!

My sweet sister Gail and her husband Diego are adopting a baby! His due date is March 8th, but doctors have told the birth mother that he could be born any day now. His birth mother lives out-of-state, and obviously there are legal matters and paperwork that need to be taken care of before Gail and Diego can bring him home. But I am so excited to meet him in a few weeks.

We are so thankful to the birth mother who made the difficult but courageous decision to pass her baby on to a family who is more equipped to care for him. It can't be an easy choice. But it means the world to Gail and Diego, who have been waiting to start their family for a long time now. They're going to be wonderful parents.

Some of you, my dear friends, have been following this story closely. I promise to give you updates, as they come in. Keep your fingers crossed that everything (legally, emotionally, with the birth) goes as smoothly as possible!

It's My Birthday

2009-02-23T15:52:00.000-08:00

Now give me some presents!

Pre-Val Treat

2009-02-13T11:14:00.000-08:00

Gorgeous cake, right? I wish I could say I made it for Jacob, but that's (obviously) not the case.

Nor did Jacob make it for me.

This gorgeous little Valentines cake was a gift to Jacob from one of his work girlfriends. But as you can see, that did not diminish my enthusiasm.

2009-02-04T17:30:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to introduce you all to the gentlemen I've been showering with for the past few weeks.

Because you're never too old for Pez.

Funko Bunko

2009-01-28T11:14:00.000-08:00

I know what you're thinking. Another girl, another Bunko post... So I'll make this short and sweet.

I just wanted to give a quick shout-out to my favorite friend Michelle for organizing the best Bunko league I've ever been a part of. Yesterday was our first game night, and the mood quickly went from fun-lovin' to all out war.

I'm not pointing any fingers here, but I did see some west side-style action. Words were spoken. Fingers were snapped. And the pink fuzzy dice gauntlet has been thrown.

Inappropriate Crushes

2009-01-22T13:46:00.000-08:00

A short list of my current, inappropriate crushes.

1) Heidi Klum. This is no surprise to anyone who knows me. I LOVE Heidi and think she's probably the hottest lady on the planet. This is an inappropriate crush because not only am I straight, but Heidi is seemingly very happily married.

2) Justin Long. I have loved Justin for years. I loved Justin as Britney Spears's friend in Crossroads. I've watched him in Jeepers Creepers, Accepted, and Dodgeball. My favorite role he ever played was Warren Cheswick in "Ed." But the sad truth is, these are not the roles he is most famous for... I have a crush on the Mac Guy. Who wants to admit that?
3) And this is the worst one. This kid from church. I think he's about 15. I'm not going to tell you his name, it's not important, and I didn't find it out myself until about 2 weeks ago anyway. It's not like I exactly love Kid. I just know that my younger, 15 year-old self would have loved him. He's cute and courteous and very well-mannered. For about a year and a half, I have thought it would be a nice gesture to tell his mom that I think he's a swell kid. Mothers live for that kind of compliment, right????

Wrong. Last week, Kid's mom was in the church library (where Jacob and I work) and she came in, asking if we had a set of scriptures with Kid's name on them in our lost-and-found. I answered her and then enthusiastically said, "Oh, you must be Kid's mom. I just think he's the cutest boy at church." She looked at me like I was nuts. Almost a Why-Are-You-Checking-Out-My-Teenage-Son look. I must have come across as some kind of cougar. Whoops. So, I'm putting Kid on my list of Inappropriate Crushes, and I'm going to (try to) stop staring at him in church. Hope that makes his mother happy. I know it'll make my husband happy.

(Sorry I don't have a picture of Kid to post but I'd really be Creepy Cougar Lady, if I did!)

If You Had to Choose...

2009-01-15T13:06:00.000-08:00

If you had to choose between running over a dude on a bike or running over a dude on rollerblades, what would you do?

Option A: Dude on the bike is a landscaper. You know this because he has his rake strapped to his back, and his leaf blower and other gear in his handlebar basket. You should probably avoid hitting this guy, since you would not only hurt him but also wreck his livelihood. So clearly, hit the dude on the rollerblades.

Option B: But wait - what is dude on the rollerblades holding in his hand? Is that a leash? It is, it's a leash! He's not really the man-power behind the blades, his adorable big black dog is actually pulling him. So, to hit the guy would also be to hit the dog.

When faced with this dilemma earlier today, I chose Secret Option C, which is: Slam on your brakes in the middle of the road so that you don't hit either dude, and watch as they (almost) smash into each other. Leash and rake collide, but do not tangle. Catastrophe avoided by all parties.

Public Transportation

2009-01-05T15:27:00.000-08:00

Last Friday was my friend Terrie's birthday. We went to a restaurant in north Phoenix and since Terrie is all about technology and enterprise, we took the light rail to get there. What a fun and novel escapade. The light rail! It made me feel like I lived in a big city, the type that's full of public transportation and grand adventure. (Because yes, the two do go hand-in-hand.)

When we approached the ticket machine, a kindly gentleman gave Terrie and me his tickets, so we didn't have to spend the $2.50 it normally would have cost us. The light rail made people kind and generous, really bringing the community together.

The trip from the very first stop to the almost last stop took us over an hour. Driving a car certainly would have been faster, but we would have missed all the interesting people and sights the light rail had to offer.

After dinner, on our way back home, our group was settled into three rows of seats, sitting face to face, and having a lovely conversation. And then we pulled up to a crowded stop, and everything changed. Billions of people got onto our train, and for the first time, it was crowded. The noise level went up. The windows fogged over. And Girl in the Red Pants sat down next to me.

Red Pants really thought she was a big-city big-shot. To her boyfriend standing in front of us, Red Pants started berating all of the other passengers, including me.

Red Pants: "Don't you think it's weird that all these people are on the light rail? I mean, I bet most of these people would never step foot on a city bus. Yet here they are, all packed onto the light rail as if it were a grand adventure. I think, if you're "too good" for the city bus, you would be "too good" for the light rail too. I mean, public transportation is public transportation, right?"

Well, Girl in the Red Pants is kind of right. I don't want to ride the city bus. But I still say the light rail is the place to find the action. And I am so proud of our little big city for building it. Go light rail!

Eddie is a cute puppy!

2008-12-21T20:22:00.000-08:00

So we probably have one of the best cats in the world. He is multi-talented and we enjoy all the crazy things he does.

One thing that he really loves is play with paper wadges (crumpled up paper).
Here is where they end up:

They end up under the couch and just accumulate there because I just keep making new wadges for him.

He likes to carry them from place to place to play with them. He also plays fetch with them.

Recently he has upgraded from playing fetch using the paper wadges. Now we use the jingle fish, a stuffed animal fish with a bell inside of it. He does a really good job with it.

We've told people before about how "fetching" good he is, but they didn't believe us. Well here ya go, naysayers!

New Jan Brady

2008-12-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

My annual work Christmas party was last Saturday. Thus, my annual work Christmas party picture post.

And yes, I cut my hair. I'm guessing I lost about 6 inches. It's not the most I've ever cut off at once, but it's the shortest it's ever been. I feel like a whole new person. Like the new Jan Brady.

2008-12-02T14:57:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to give a shout-out to the love of my life, DP. We've had an affair that has lasted for years. We spent a lot of time together this past Thanksgiving, and I can't say I'm sorry about that.

But, I realize that this is an unhealthy relationship. I know it's time to cut ties. I've done this before, axed you out of my life. Cold turkey. I know I can do it again. It's better this way, right?

Or... maybe I'll just see you once a week. On the weekend, if I happen to be out. Just once a week. Maybe, maybe twice. Certainly not every day. Or, not more than once a day.

In any case, DP, I just wanted to tell you that I love you. Know that you'll be missed. And I'm sure I'll see you again. Soon.

Jacob & Edward

2008-11-24T11:20:00.000-08:00

So after browsing around my friends' blogs, I feel like the only girl out there who did not see Twilight this weekend. I have come to the conclusion that I have enough Jacobs and Edwards in my life, and I don't need any more.

Jacob's been having issues this week. He pulled a muscle or something at work. I've been referring to it as his broken rib. Apparently there's some heavy lifting involved in professional baking -- even though, in my imagination, it's all fluffy angel cake. Also, Jacob's got some sort of rash or bug bites all over his chest and back and arm pit. For drama, I've been pretending it's a flesh-eating bacteria.

As for Edward, he's been under the weather this week too. Apparently cats like to throw up. A lot. And you don't always know about it until you step in it with your bare feet. It's awesome.

6 Weird Things

2008-11-12T15:23:00.000-08:00

Natalie tagged me for this, weeks ago. You're supposed to share 6 weird habits or little-known facts about yourself. Well I'm pretty positive I have OCD. I've never been officially diagnosed, but I have lots of crazy, embarrassing quirks. I do not want to share them. However...

There's a hamster wheel in my brain. Whenever I know I have something to do, the wheel starts spinning and the poor hamster cannot rest until it's taken care of. I was tagged, and the wheel is a'movin. Thanks to Nat, here are some of my quirkiest quirks.

1. I used to be scared of garbage. Not just that I disliked it, I was actually physically scared of it. Mostly scared that it would get stuck to me and I would not be able to get it off. Marianne and Gail can attest to this - the threat of garbage could get me to do about anything. This one has toned down since I was a teenager, thanks goodness.

2. I eat in two's. As in, I have to have even numbers of bites. Start on the left, end on the right. If you're giving me candy, please give me 2 or 4, not 3 or 5. Otherwise, I will have to bite one in half to even things out.

3. Speaking of candy -- I need to color-match my candy. Pair up red with red, brown with brown, etc. I really like to dump out all of my M&Ms so I can see what I'm working with, and line them up in consumption order. Skittles are the only exception to the color rule - they must be eaten 3 at a time, with at least 2 different colors per trio. Of course that means I can eat a minimum of 6 Skittles in a sitting.

4. If I drive outside of the yellow or white lines, I think I have run someone over. There's this horrible dip in our street and the only way I can avoid scraping my bumper on the asphalt is to drive close to the sidewalk, over the right line. I seriously have to check my rear-view mirror every single time - you know, to make sure there are no dead bodies back there.

5. Speaking of driving -- I have turn signal issues. I stopped signalling for a long time, because of this. I know that Safety First says, always use your turn signal. So I started using it again, and this issue came right back... I need the turn signal to blink 8 times before I can turn. I count the bell to make sure it dings 8 times. More is acceptable (though not preferable), but less is NOT okay.

6. Last night I couldn't sleep. Because I knew something in my closet was in the wrong place. I had to get up and move it from one shelf to the other.

Yeah, I have issues. :) But I know some of you do too and so I tag anyone who can relate!

Three Halloween Pictures

2008-10-31T13:22:00.000-07:00

For your viewing pleasure... Here's the cake I made for my work's annual Halloween Cake Contest. Zombie ladies on parade. I lost the contest by four tiny votes... Afterwards I had two different people tell me they didn't vote for mine because they didn't think the ladies were edible. I think I was robbed.

Robbed by this googly-eyed brain cake. Oh well, there's always next year's contest.

And just for fun, here's a picture of Eddie in his costume. Happy Halloween!

2008-10-22T17:21:00.000-07:00

So, I totally got busted today. By a road worker. What happened is this... Our street is getting resurfaced. I was driving in the far right lane, and the people who should have been on the left were directed into the middle lane. Cruised along 'til I hit the traffic light at the bottom of our street, where I needed to turn left. So I pulled through the gap in the cones, into the turn lane, and was patiently waiting for the light to turn green, so I could make my left-hand turn.

This is where the story gets ugly. As I was sitting there, nicely minding my own business, a road worker came running at my car and yelling at me. I couldn't understand what he was saying, so I had to roll down my window. He practically stuck his whole head into my car to deliver his message: "You can't turn here! Didn't you see that sign, 'Keep Right'!? Back up and get in the other lane! Get in behind the mail truck! Go! Now! Go!"

Scared and confused, I simultaneously watched the road worker yell at the car in front of me who also wanted to turn left, and drove (in reverse) for the length of five cars, so I could change lanes (in reverse) and get behind the mail truck. I hit two traffic cones and nearly hit a "Keep Right" sign. The car in front of me did the same, thus becoming the car behind me.

I was mad about this all afternoon. What right did some guy off the street have to yell at me? Intimidate me into changing lanes? In reverse! But just moments ago, I realized that the road worker actually saved my life. (Or, the car in front of/behind me's life.) Because if someone had tried to turn left onto my street, they would have had nowhere to turn but straight into me. Because I was, in effect, driving in the left lane. Which is a pretty big no-no here in the United States. So, lesson learned, don't be a double-idiot, and you won't get yelled at.

Happy Halloween!

2008-10-19T19:07:00.000-07:00

Here's a little sugar showpiece I did at school the other day. This was the third sugar workshop I went to. Our zombie cat Eddie destroyed the other two pieces I made. Maybe I'll try to keep this one out of his reach.

Attack of the Killer Zombie Cat

2008-09-24T19:32:00.000-07:00

Because Ange asked me to, and I have 20 minutes to kill before I leave work...

2008-09-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

FUN FACTS FROM HIGH SCHOOL

1. Did you date someone from your school? I think there were more, but all I can remember was Andy. Although, he would never really admit we were "dating." Probably because he was making out with Becky a lot.

2. What kind of car did you drive? 1984 Toyota Camry named Speed Racer. Sweet racing stripes. And an impressive collection of Happy Meal toys glued to the dash board.

3. Were you a party animal? Nope. All the parties took place in the mountains. Wouldn't have been able to get out there, even if I'd wanted to.

4. Were you considered a flirt? Personally thought I did a really good job of flirting. Pretty sure I missed the mark, though. I think I honed my skills in college.

5. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Choir freshman and sophmore year. Although, I dropped out halfway through sophmore year because I didn't have any friends in class. Isn't that pathetic?

6. What was your most embarrassing moment of high school? Freshman year, when I slipped on that always present patch of black ice near E-Wing. Luckily, LOTS of kids did this, so I wasn't alone. Sophomore year, when I accidentally touched Geoff Miller's butt on the last day of school, at McDonald's. Junior year, when I fell down the steps at the overpass, in front of all the stoner kids. Senior year, dance team try-outs when I forgot my routine and the judge told everyone that it was clear I had never danced a day before in my life.

7. Were you a nerd? Totally. But so was everyone at my school. I'd like to think I was at the good end of the bell curve.

8. Were you on any varsity teams? No. But you know this.

9. Did you get suspended/expelled? I only got in trouble ONCE in all my school years, in 6th grade. So, no.

10. Can you still sing the fight song? For sure. Any Topper worth his salt can still sing, "Go Toppers Go!"

11. Who were your favorite teachers? Ms. West, because she thought I was smart in 9th grade. (I'm sure I disappointed her by nearly failing her class, when I had her again my junior year.) I also love-love-loved all the art teachers. And who could forget those hottie Lathrop brothers?

12. What was your school's full name? Los Alamos High School. LAHS, for those of you in the know.

13. School mascot? Hilltopper. Topper, for short. No, I can't explain it, except to say in the '70's he was a classy man-about-town who wore a top hat and tux with tails. By the '90's, though, he had toughened up to a rugged mountain man.

14. Did you go to homecoming, and with who? My high school self would be humiliated to admit that no, I did not go to Homecoming. Not once. It pretty much seemed like the end of the world every October, but I got over it. Even over the time I asked Pete Hinrichs to go with me, and he said yes, and then the next day changed his mind and said no.

15. If you could go back and do it again, would you? I had a really great time in high school, but no. Everything else since has been equally awesome.

16. What do you remember most about graduation? Here's what I remember: I did not cry, but I thought I ought to. Because I had cried all through through rehearsal graduation, two days previous. Oh - I sat between Anne Polyzou and Syd Partridge. Anne was one of my best friends in 8th grade, but I hadn't talked to her once in high school. And Syd, I talked to him for the very first time on graduation day. Turned out to be a cool cat, so I got a crush on him, but since school was over, have not seen him since. Opportunity lost.

17. Where did you go senior skip day? Our school didn't do this. Did anyone's?

18. Were you in a club? Honestly can't remember. I think Marianne, Megan, and I went to Art Club just once, on picture day. Because Rocky Orvin was in art club and both Megan and I had a crush on Rocky.

19. Have you gained some weight since then? The sad thing about this is that I was nice and thin in high school. Just not as nice and thin as I wanted to be. I would be very very happy to go back to my high school weight and size.

20. Who was your prom date? Junior year, Juan. Because the whole cast of "The Music Man" went together. I think that was the night I realized he was gay. Senior year, Adam. He only asked me after my best friend Jenny turned him down.

21. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? This was last summer, and I didn't go because I was in Hawaii on my honeymoon. But yeah, under different conditions, I would have gone. I want to see Jen and Alisha again.

22. Looking back, what advice would you give yourself? Take auto shop. Don't tuck in your t-shirts. Don't dye your own hair. Wear sunscreen to Adam's baseball games. And read all the instructions on that one English assignment, cuz you'll probably get a better grade if you write a closing summary.

I tag Gail to do this - cuz I think our high school experiences were completely opposite. She was much more popular than I ever was. Also Megan - to see if she remembers some of the same things I do.

Our BIG Announcement

2008-09-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

************ Wait for it *****************

Jacob got a job! Yay! He's almost done with school classes - 4 weeks left. And as soon as that's over, he has to start his externship, which lasts 2 months.

A couple weeks ago, Jacob went to see his school counselor. (OK, really a "job placement specialist" or something like that, but I like to pretend he is Jacob's personal counselor.) Jacob took in a list of bakeries/restaurants/resorts he was thinking of applying at, and the counselor helped him narrow it down to the good choices. One of the places left on the list was a bakery called Honey Moon Sweets.

About 20 minutes after Jacob left the counselor's office, the owner of Honey Moon Sweets called that very same counselor and said she was looking for some new employees, and did he have any recommendations? The counselor said yes, as a matter of fact, he had just the student for her! The owner called Jacob right away, and a week later he started working there. Plus, bonus, one of his friends from the culinary institute is also working there, so he already has a work buddy.

This is really great news for Jacob. Not only does he have a job until school's out, but they're going to let him do his externship there. He's going to get to work at all the different stations, from the actual baking to decorating and finishing. Hopefully he'll be able to get a permanent place on the decorating team, since that's what he wants to do. Things couldn't be better!

Well- yes they could be better. Jacob has to work REALLY early. I'm taking 4am on weekdays, 2am on Saturdays. So that sucks for him. But on the plus side - we get to go to bed at 9pm now, and I'm finally, finally getting as much sleep as I need. Like 10 hours a night. So I guess the "early to bed" thing isn't ALL bad.

Honey Moon Sweets

Sleigh Bells Ring

2008-09-06T23:42:00.001-07:00

So, our Trash Neighbors moved out. Our apartment management figured out that they were illegally subletting, and they got evicted. Awesome news, right?

The apartment next door sat empty for about a month, but last week a new family moved in. We met them on moving day, and they seem nice enough. The mom told us they were just coming from the other side of the apartment complex, and Jacob and I assumed they were all settled in.

But today, they brought in more stuff. LOTS more stuff. A huge moving van full of stuff. They must have had a lifetime's worth of belongings in storage. We saw everything from heavy furniture to filing cabinets to mini trampolines come up our shared stairwell.

And tonight we came home to a festive surprise, when this jolly fellow met us at our doorstep.

2008-09-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

So, our electricity keeps going out. Not just at the Cronin household, but all over our part of Phoenix. Which means our air conditioning turns off. It's not so bad late at night, but if it happens durning the day/evening, it's unbearable. We have to leave the house in search of a/c. Last time we ended up at the cupcake store.

Anyway, since this is happening so frequently, we have candle stations set up all through the house. On Tuesday, I lit the candle in our bedroom. It's sitting on Jacob's dresser, with no candle holder. This candle had burned down evenly, with no mess, every other time we'd used it. But not on Tuesday. Yeah, candle wax spilled out all over Jacob's dresser and onto the floor.

Do you know how to get candle wax out of the carpet? You put a towel on top of the wax, and then iron the towel. The wax will melt again and get soaked up into the towel. It's like magic!

Getting candle wax off your kitten's ears... not so easy.

90210

2008-09-02T21:11:00.000-07:00

OK, did anyone else watch? It kinda made my brain hurt to be watching a show about 16 year-olds. (I mean, don't get me wrong, I still watch reruns of "Gilmore Girls," but that's different.) This wanna-be reincarnation of the Beverly Hills classic we all know and love, it did not impress me. I won't be watching "90210: The New Class" again. Didn't work at Bayside High; not gonna work at West Beverly. The writing is bad. The acting is bad. And I'm not interested in the cliff-hangers.

But do you know what I think I'm gonna do? Watch the old series again, for nostalgia's sake. I want to see the episode where Brandon and the gang find out that Andrea has to take the bus to school, because she lives on the wrong side of the tracks and is not really a rich kid after all. Now that was a cliff-hanger.

Spidey Cake

2008-08-25T10:35:00.001-07:00

Jacob shares his birthday with my favorite 7-year-old, our nephew Mason. Jacob spent his whole birthday building this cake for Mason. SpiderMan atop of sky scrapers.

Since Kristina (Mason's mom) didn't tell the story on her blog, I'll go ahead and tell it here. Kristina asked Mason what kind of cake he'd like, and his answers went as follows: SpiderMan, Batman, Superman, Iron Man, -or- rocks and minerals. Kristina thought "rocks and minerals" must be some new cartoon she wasn't familiar with, so she asked him specifically what he meant. His answer... he was studying rocks and minerals in school and he just thought they were really cool. How great is that?

Happy Birthday Jacob!

2008-08-16T12:02:00.001-07:00

Coco Chanel Says:

2008-08-10T14:47:00.000-07:00

“Fashion fades, only style remains the same.”

“A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous.”

“A women who doesn't wear perfume has no future.”

Most days, I don't feel fabulous or classy. Fashionable or stylish. Sometimes I have oily hair and blemished skin. But hey, at least I have an endless stockpile of Bath & Body Works lotions and Victoria's Secret body spray. And that, my friends, is the key to my future.

Healthy Living

2008-08-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

I’m starving. I NEED to eat. I know there’s food in the break room, so I go check it out. But I find that my choices are limited: pizza or donut.

My gut instinct says pizza. It’s from NYPD, one of my favorite pizza places. But upon further inspection, I find that only crappy flavors are left. Hawaiian, which is okay but not ideal. Then there’s Meat Pile. (Could that possibly be Philly Cheese Steak pizza?) Or Onion. Probably started out as something besides Just Onion, but looks like all the other toppings have either slid off or been picked off. OK, maybe not pizza.

So, donut. I know the maple logs are awesome, because I already had one this morning. But they’re really, really big, and I’m not sure I can eat another whole one. Plus, wouldn’t it be fair to the other flavors if I tried something new? I should eat that chocolate guy, or….

AAGH! Fellow Coworker has entered the break room! I have been caught breakfast-pastry-handed. I will act normal. It seems more logical to go for pizza in the afternoon, so I select a piece of Hawaiian, microwave for 30 seconds, and hightail it back to my desk.

That pizza wasn’t too bad. But now I need something sweet. Something round and cinnamon-filled. I know; I’ll have a donut!

The Cat Just Fell on My Face

2008-07-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

That's pretty much the whole story. I was sitting here, blog hopping and watching the first episode of this season's Project Runway. I thought Eddie was watching with me, but he must have dozed off. Because he basically fell out of the sky (or, off the top of the couch), rolled across my face, slumped over my shoulder, and landed on my leg. Which is where he rests now, on my leg. Still asleep. Oh, to lead the life of a cat!

I H8 PL8TS

2008-07-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

I used to work with a cocktail waitress who said that the strippers at her club would NEVER get personalized license plates. Why? Because a personalized license plate takes away all of your anonymity. If you "perform" under the name Sabra, and then write SBRAZRIDE on the back of your car, some creepy guy is going to follow you home.

Personalized license plates are dumb. Sorry, DEUCEZ, I sincerely hope I don't hurt your feelings here. But I am just not a fan. If you're driving a green Volkswagen Beetle, do you really need a plate that reads 1GRNBUG?

Here's a short list of plates that I see, and am annoyed with, every single day:

MYPLANE - IMCAJUN - LINZYLOU - GOUKI

I don't even know what that last one means! Go Uki? Go U.K.I.? The strippers were right. Personal license plates are essentially personal advertisements. And that's not always a good thing.

Happy Year

2008-07-12T19:43:00.000-07:00

Today was our 1st anniversary! To celebrate, we had lunch at Crackers & Co, where we had our wedding reception.

Then we came home and cut up the top tier of our wedding cake. Originally, our wedding cake was absolutely beautiful. Today - not so much. It basically looked like a big white pile of mush. But we tried it anyway. It's tradition, right? It tasted about as good as it looked.

Good thing we brought some "just in case" desserts home from Crackers.

Big Old Cat

2008-07-12T19:33:00.000-07:00

Eddie is over 5 lbs now, twice the size he was when we got him. He's growing up so fast! We keep catching him doing very mature things. Here he is, reading a Eurway catalog to check out the funky furniture.

Here he is, blogging.

Yesterday Jacob left the house for 5 minutes, to get the mail. By the time Jacob came back, Eddie had turned the TV on and was watching "Project Runway." I've gotta say, the cat has great taste.

Excitement at the Urgent Care

2008-06-28T21:53:00.000-07:00

Story #1: The man checking in ahead of us seemed really shady. Shady Man was telling the receptionist that he'd never been to their office before. He said he had insurance, he promised, he just didn't have proof with him. The receptionist asked S.M. why he was there, and he said he was"generally not feeling well." Receptionist asked for more details, and S.M. said he had waited too long to go to the doctor, and he had some "additional special needs." The receptionist said, "You know the doctor will ask you for a more specific description of the problem, right?" Shady Man said yes, he's be happy to talk to the doctor about it, but he just didn't want to talk about it right now. Jacob and I, being the curious cats we are, were totally confused by this dude. He looked healthy, but was so unwilling to talk about what his problems were. Thank goodness we got called back at the same time, and were able to listen to S.M. as he explained to the nurse that he was a good personl, really, but had made a bad judgement call, what with his wife being out of town... and he thought he might have contracted an STD. Nice.

Story #2: A really sick looking lady was escorted to the bed next to mine. She had a grey shirt on, and her face was almost the same shade of grey. The nurse asked her what was wrong, and she just let out a big groan. He asked her again, and she said she'd been throwing up for 4 days. The nurse said, "Well then you'd better stop drinking that," and pointed to the 44 oz QT coca-cola in her hand. Grey Lady just groaned some more. The nurse asked her what her other symptoms were, and the truth started pouring out... Turns out, G.L. had been in a fight with her husband about 20 minutes earlier. She's been really mad, punched her hand into the wall, and thought it might now be broken. Also, in her upset state, she'd slashed her wrist a bunch of times. Took her 20 minutes to let the nurse know the real reason she was there, giant gashes in her arm. Nice.

Story #3: My story seems super mild in comparison, but I almost died last night. Or at least I felt like I was going to die. In 90 minutes I went from feeling absolutely fine to having the world's worst pain in my side. I couldn't stand up, couldn't sit down, couldn't curl up in the fetal position. I was crying, actually rolling around on the bathroom floor because I was so uncomfortable. And then I threw up. Poor Jacob, I'm sure he thought I was possessed by devils. He took me to urgent care, I got x-rays, a shot in the butt, and peed in a cup. The doctors determined I have kidney stones. As parting gifts, I was given Vicodin and a strainer to pee in. And now I'm just waiting for the stones to roll on out so I can Ziploc them up and take them to my doctor to examine. Wish me luck with everything!

Time For A Cat-Nap

2008-06-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

Look at how well Crystal and Eddie get along!
They are best friends and they love each other so much!

Trash People

2008-06-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

I used to complain about our next door neighbors, the Mariachi Music people. I don't know what they do for a living, but I do know they work the night shift. In order to rev up for each night's work, they blasted their Mexican music all through their apartment. Which also turned our apartment into a nightly fiesta. I hated it at the time, but I never should have complained. Because we ended up with something much much worse.

While we were out of town for three short days, the Mariachi family moved out and the Trash People moved in. The first thing we noticed was that the tiny patio next door was cluttered with new stuff: lawn chairs, an end table, a high chair, a baby swing, primary-colored foam floor mats, an enormous outdoor trash can, a vacuum cleaner, and a huge, empty diaper box. "Strange," we thought. "The Mariachi Music people don't have a baby."

Then we heard them, like a herd of cattle making its way up our stairs. It was the Trash People, and we got our first good look. Two middle aged women, skateboard kid, two skateboard friends, a scroungy man, and two little girl babies. Walking in and out of the Mariachi house as if they owned it! "Strange," we thought. "Mr. and Mrs. Mariachi have a million house guests staying in their tiny two bedroom apartment."

Through some legal-eagle investigative work on the part of Jacob (mainly spying through the peep hole and listening in when they conversed in front of our door), we figured the Trash People are subletting the apartment from the Mariachi folks. Which is super illegal at our apartment complex. And since these are dirty people we are talking about, our beloved little apartment is getting grungier by the day.

When the maintenance man was in the neighborhood, Jacob asked him, "So when did those people next door move in?" Maintenance man answered, "That's what we're trying to figure out." Two days later, they had an eviction notice on their door. (Yes, we snooped. Yes, it was wrong.) It said something about "breach of contract" and "ten days notice." This has been the longest ten days of my life! I'm tired of their cigarette butts all over our stairs. I'm tired of them taking their screaming babies swimming at 11:00 pm. I'm tired of them smoking pot just outside of our front door. And I'm tired of them throwing their used diapers off their balcony, to land at will. Yep, the Trash People throw diapers. This one landed on the parking structure, outside our front door.

Counting down the days 'til Tuesday...

New Kit on the Blog

2008-06-14T18:25:00.000-07:00

Well, it's June, and you all know what that means--- Kitten time! Back in December, Jacob told me we could get a kitten in six months. Well, the wait is over, and today we brought home this sweet little guy. We adopted him from a rescue center. We were planning on getting a full-grown cat, but there were all these fuzzy little kittens, and we just couldn't resist them! Before we even had him home, Jacob named him Sir Edward. So far, he's been really quiet and shy. We're trying to give him some space, so hopefully he'll warm up to us. 'Cuz, gosh darn it, I love him to pieces already!

Team Johndolyn

2008-06-14T17:17:00.000-07:00

Baby brothers are not supposed to:

Grow up
Get married
Move to Idaho

OK, so the last thing on the list hasn't technically happened yet. But John definately grew up. I must have had my back turned when he grew to 6' tall, got a beard, and started losing hair. Thank goodness I was paying attention when he decided to get married, or I might have missed that too!

John and Gwyn got married on June 6th. Gwyn is tall and pretty and super super nice, so we all like her. And for my mom's empty-nester's sake, I'm glad that the kids will be spending the summer in our home town, before packing up and moving to Idaho. But the sisters' club can't wait until the kids decide they've had enough snow, and move to Arizona with the rest of us!

Coming home from New Mexico

2008-06-09T11:23:00.000-07:00

Crystal and I went to New Mexico over the weekend for her brother John's wedding. The whole time that we were away she was worried that our fish Bruce would starve to death. The first thing she did when we got home was to feed him.

Hello, My Name Is...

2008-05-28T16:02:00.000-07:00

I have a very serious problem, and I'd like some very serious suggestions on how to solve it.

Every afternoon, at work, the FedEx guy comes and picks up my packages. Same guy every day. And every day, he gives me a very friendly "Hi, Crystal!" We chat about the weather, how our weeks are going, his family back in Detroit, Jacob's classes, the house he bought and is fixing up, etc. The FedEx guy and I are total pals.

So, here's my problem - I don't know his name! He knows mine, and uses it every single day. I know he told me his name when he first started this route, but I have long since forgotten it. How was I to know we'd become friends? I think it might be Brian. Or Ryan. Or Tim or Jim. Or a name that rhymes with another name. It seems only fair that I use his name, if he's using mine. Do I bust out with, "Hey (B?)Ryan," and see how that goes? All I know is, the window of opportunity for directly asking has DEFINITELY passed... I've been trying to figure this out for two years!

Jacob + Vegetables = True Love Always

2008-05-23T13:41:00.000-07:00

Folic acid. Zinc. Osteoporosis... These are the things Jacob likes to talk about lately. He's been taking a nutrition class, and apparently came to the sudden realization that his all-cereal and candy regime isn't really the most healthy way to go. (I know that Tony the Tiger and Toucan Sam would disagree with me, as their cereals are "part of a nutritious diet.")

So for class, Jacob had to track everything he's eaten for the past three days. Jacob's super honest, so he only wanted to report stuff he actually ate. But he also wanted to score 100% of his daily recommended vitamins and nutrients. I've seen Jacob eat more vegetables, this past week, than I had the entire two years I've known him. The crowning event of the week was when Jacob made, and then ate, a SALAD! I just knew no one would believe me if I tried to tell them this, so I had to capture the moment on film. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with Jacob's First Salad.

Somebody Got New Glasses...

2008-05-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

And he looks totally hot in them! Admittedly, they are very different from his conservative older pair. And, there have been a few times when I haven't immediately recognized him. But, over all, I think we both like Jacob's new look.

You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me

2008-05-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

Worst. Couple. Ever. I'm still not over him sending Amanda home, and all the sudden he's engaged to the worst bachelorette this season???? I mean, I DO greatly admire her fashion sense. She IS super-cute. But yeah, he could not have made a worse choice.

My faith in reality TV has been greatly shaken.

Name That Celebrity!

2008-05-02T16:01:00.000-07:00

What would happen if celebrities didn't have personal trainers? Personal chefs and dieticians? Personal stylists for clothing, hair, and makeup? Why, they'd look just like the rest of us! Try to guess who these "average-ized" celebrities are, and then check my comments for the answers.

I'm Full

2008-04-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

I was gonna blog about how I dropped a bagel in my hair this morning. Then I realized 6 out of my past 7 posts have been about food. And I changed my mind.